Alone Time

So, the man in my life is in graduate school. Essentially this means he has a lot of papers to research and write and so that, in turn, means lots of time for some crazy chick like me to be alone. Fuck that shit. I hate being alone. And I hate seeing people alone. Like when I see people eating lunch alone it makes me want to cry and punch myself for not being social and joining them so they won't be alone.

I get that there are some people who enjoy alone time. And maybe that older guy on campus doesn't mind eating his sad, little PB & J by himself. But, it's not about him. It's about me. Duh. It's how it makes me feel. You know, on the inside. My little patchwork heart gets a sad smiley and then it moves to my head and that's when the bad stuff starts. I pretty much start formulating in my head all of the scenarios (usually bad) that would lead to me being alone (read: without my fella). Or, even worse, all of the bad scenarios that would leave the fella alone. Fuck, that breaks my heart just typing it!

Anyway...if you can't tell, I've got some separation anxiety and abandonment issues crawling around in my head. I know this. I've known this for years. I blame my biological mother, the bitch. Three custody hearings, and she never showed for even one of them. And that was just the beginning of her years of abuse and abandonment for me and my older sister. Thank what ever is out there that my dad is an amazing person. And that the courts sided with him, in this case, during a time when that RARELY ever happened.

Needless to say, I have no idea how to make it better for me. I've spent most of my life trying to figure out how to be ok with my lot in life, how to accept these insecurities, or how to push them away. Nothing works. The bad thoughts still come into my pretty little head. But, the sweet guy in my life posted this on Tumblr for yours truly and I sorta think this chick has some words of wisdom for me. And maybe for you, too.

Go. Watch it. I'll be here when you get back.